I let myself fall apart, and abuse myself a bit. I ate for comfort. I smoked for comfort. And I drank for comfort, which did not end up being comfortable at all. I got myself properly drunk, then proceeded to continue into improperly drunk status. Not in many years have I been in that condition, and I hope to never allow myself to go there again. Not to mention it was well beyond doctor's orders regarding the health of my liver.
To smoke cigarettes at this point in time is obviously not smart. Well to smoke at any time in life is not smart, but it doesn't make much sense to commemorate the news of my father's lung cancer by lighting up. I am not going to say never on that one, but I am paying attention to it in a whole new way. I know I will stop, but I am not ready to face that today.
Eating. Well, this has always been my "drug of choice". Luckily for me, my current (as in the most recent, as in I have tried countless other diets) "eating plan" is Atkins, and that horse is quite easy to get back on after falling off. I even exercised, despite being chastised for not working out for six days by my Wii Fit trainer. He is a hardass.
All of these were coping mechanisms, for what had been a hellish week. Oh. I mentioned my week already? Sorry.
Today, I am putting the big girl panties back on, and getting it together again. My weekend, while it was not pretty, I think needed to happen. I really just needed to let go. Truthfully, what I really need to do is give it all over to God, as always. I am very anxious right now. I am scared about taking care of my father-in-law, when I really don't feel like I have a clue what I am doing. There are times when he can barely walk, and even once last Friday when he in fact could not stand, and I was the only adult home. I am not strong enough to lift him, and it was an awful moment for both of us. I know I am capable, I just needed to get the basic problems solved, like that one. I am anxious about not being with my own dad at this time. Luckily for him, he is in the capable and loving hands of his wife, who remains his best friend despite their separation. She called me Friday and mentioned getting me out to Oregon sometime soon, and it seems quite surreal to me to start planning a trip to visit my dad for the last time. How would I ever be able to leave?
Oh, did I mention the kids are out of school? I love my kids, more than anything. But let's face it, they are a whirlwind around the house and my mind is yearning for a chance to shut down for a few minutes. And not by being flooded with alcohol.
My husband and are doing quite a dance with each other, taking turns being the one to lean on. This is becoming what I am sure will be one of the hardest times in our lives. We have to stick together, or else it will all fall apart. If the prior years of our marriage are any indicator, we will stand strong, but our resolve at this time needs to be stronger than ever.
But today, I am standing up. I am asking my Father in Heaven for guidance and strength. Patience, and more patience. I am asking Him to help me remember to act with love, which is comprised of patience and compassion. But what I really need to do is remember to practice that on myself as well as those around me. I am not perfect, I am not meant to be perfect. But I am perfectly created, just the way I am. I am enough. And I am strong, despite moments of weakness. God has not given me the experiences in my life I have had for nothing. And He does not create hardship for any reason other than for me to grow stronger in my faith and in His perfect love.
We really did have a wonderful day Saturday! I will post about that later, as that post will have a completely different tone. It was all good! Stay tuned...
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