Looking back...and looking forward.

I have been "blogging" for a while now, I didn't realize just how long. Not being one who is ever really consistent with anything, I surprise myself.

But what I find even more surprising is how much I have grown, and sometimes how much I haven't. Conversion is a prudent and patient process. It requires even more patience when you mix in illness and distraction, which I have had a lot of this past year.

When I first starting blogging, it was really just a way to journal, a lazy way. It is easier and less time consuming to type that it is to write. Then I shared it with a few friends, some of whom I trusted, some of whom I wanted to connect with, and also because I think I am funny sometimes.

Then I began sharing with family. After that, I started importing to Facebook. By the way, there will be no more entries on Facebook. My blog, which I thought no one reads except a few who tell me they do, or leave comments, is global, anyone who knows anyone who knows me can find it, and though it goes against the whole concept of blogging about one's personal life, I am more private than that.

What I have realized, looking back over the posts, is that often I need to write something out, look at it from "the outside" so to speak, and see just how wrong I am. Or at least looking at things the wrong way. Something has changed in me, or is changing in me, and I have to say I feel sad when I read some things I have written. Things not said in love.

I have learned that love is patience and kindness. I have heard that many times in my life, but I am finally learning it. I have been praying for the grace to forgive, even if I am not forgiven. When we have an issue with the ones we love, it is very easy to fall back on old hurts and resentments. This shows that we have not truly forgiven one another. I am finding that I have not been forgiven for past mistakes, and admit that I may be letting that hold me back from true forgiveness of others. This is not a righteous path. However, I have not humbly asked for forgiveness either, and I find that a very scary thing to consider. I'm getting there though, one prayer at a time.

There have been a few instances where I have reached out, and not been forgiven. It hurts. But I felt better for doing it anyway. The thing is, I can't always let it go. This is a level of humility I am still striving to achieve, learning to release one's pride is not easy.

I struggle with trust. Knowing how I feel when I don't truly forgive someone, even if I act as if I have, naturally makes me distrustful. "It takes one to know one". I am realizing it is too much to ask someone to trust me, when I don't completely trust them either. Then I get back in that prideful way of thinking, why should I go first?

Well, why not?