I am taking the joy out of my own Christmas.

Forget the Atheists who feel assaulted by Christmas. Forget the seculars who seem to want to crush the spirit of this wonderful holiday and our celebration of the birth of Christ. I am harshing my own mellow, all on my own. They don't bother me in the least, I will celebrate how I want. So why am I so bothered?

The thought of having Christmas dinner at a relative's house after our intense argument this summer is daunting to say the least. After her niece and nephew became "your kids", I have some trepidations about taking them there. However, most of the family will be there. Some of whom we do not get to see often because they live so far away. A wonderful meal, wonderful family, and an invitation to spend it in a beautiful home I do not have to spend days cleaning before hand or after. I am betting many would love to be in my shoes.

Or the cookies another family member sent. A family member who is estranged both from her husband and this family. One who never participated in this family, and certainly doesn't participate now. She did not attend the funeral of our family matriarch, dear mom, thereby forever burning her familial bridge with me. So when she has the audacity to send a batch of cookies over for us, I am not impressed. Especially because they are a treasured recipe of "dear mom", a family tradition and favorite. Who does she think she is?

Well, I guess some would say she is kind. Some may say (those who know her anyway) she is perhaps having a moment of sanity. Some might even say she has an angle. So who should care? Why should I see it as anything other than a kind holiday gesture? Why should I be anything but grateful? I mean, seriously, the lady can cook, they are probably quite delicious.

I am feeling so detached from our family. Not Pat or the kids, they are truly my salvation. But our extended family. There has been so much discord, so much judgment passed down and blame tossed back and forth in recent months. There is so very little trust, at least on my part. But then again, they are my family. I would do anything for them. I would stand up for them. I would give a kidney too. Just don't ask me to hang out with most of them, or I might think it is the end of the world. Well, not really, but I might act like it.

It has admittedly been a difficult year for the family. We had a cancer diagnosis in August, my father-in-law. Then the very rare liver disease I was diagnosed with in September. Then Lyme and meningitis in October. It is easy to see why I would be in a funk I guess. But let me not forget the wonderful new career my husband has been blessed with, one he enjoys which is a gift in and of itself. Or the long awaited baby my sister-in-law and brother-in-law are expecting. Or the family who had a very rough few years and are now making a fresh start in safer and more secure surroundings. Or the fact that those very diseases we have been afflicted with are not "the end" for us, and are being managed magnificently.

There is a new Christmas song this year, and one line says "my whole life has turned around", because of the birth of Christ. My whole life has turned around. I am blessed beyond measure. I have far more than I deserve. I am rich.

I have recently been asked why I have not blogged in so long, this is why. I do not tend to share my woes. I may bitch a lot. Ok, I DO bitch a lot, but who wants to come here and hear me bitching? Bitching and moaning is my defense against actually sharing my feelings and fears. I would make a great guy I guess. But seriously, I am past complaining. I am officially in the dumps. With nine days to go before Christmas. I should be so excited to see my kids open the big gift they have patiently been waiting for and don't think they are getting. I should be more excited to see my four year old's reaction to the day, at this age each year is still so different from the last for them. I should be more excited about all of it.

I will pray.